Nov 16, 2010

Homesick

I can't tell you how much I've begun to miss things. How it aches. How I am sometimes so sad and I just don't know if I can do this. It started in Paris, but here in Senegal this homesickness has grown. In the morning I lie in bed thinking about how I will make it through the day. Just one day at a time, I tell myself. One day at a time. I put on a brave face for my daughter because I want her to feel all the things I don't feel: settled and safe. But sometimes I crack. Lately I've been cracking a lot. I cry in front of her. I break down. Is it going to get easier?

Everyone I meet says it will--get easier that is.

I want to report to you all the things I've seen in Senegal. I want to tell you about this city I'm living in. But I can't; not yet. Hopefully, it will get easier. Until then, I will share with you what I can.

4 comments:

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  2. Hang in there, Amy. One day it will ease. I felt that way when I was at a writing residency once--it was AWFUL. Know that even in misery you are building a narrative in your head, and you are getting STRONGER! :)

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  3. My other post was melodramatic--- Every mother goes through a time when it is difficult to be exactly what you want to be for your children. Forgive yourself. The best lesson I have learned from my children is unconditional love...completely being loved regardless of how I feel about myself. And therefore learning to accept myself, in whatever sadness or happiness I find myself in. Oh, god this sounds a little self righteous, but it is true, and it is so difficult. I say keep writing, find your voice in that dark place, it might help you find your way out... And also, you are such a beautiful kind, soft mother. You are special to me. Maggie is lucky, as is Jon. Let them take care of you for awhile..

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  4. Hey Amy, you don't always have to be strong and put out a brave and happy front. Like what Mandy said, let Jon and little Maggie take care of you for once. My grandma passed away and I found myself not remembering and only remembering very little of her. I want to be at her funeral like all the grandkids are. But I am here. So last night, Michael was very sweet, he came home early and took care of Sterling while I thought about what my grandma taught me.

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