I can't tell you how much I've begun to miss things. How it aches. How I am sometimes so sad and I just don't know if I can do this. It started in Paris, but here in Senegal this homesickness has grown. In the morning I lie in bed thinking about how I will make it through the day. Just one day at a time, I tell myself. One day at a time. I put on a brave face for my daughter because I want her to feel all the things I don't feel: settled and safe. But sometimes I crack. Lately I've been cracking a lot. I cry in front of her. I break down. Is it going to get easier?
Everyone I meet says it will--get easier that is.
I want to report to you all the things I've seen in Senegal. I want to tell you about this city I'm living in. But I can't; not yet. Hopefully, it will get easier. Until then, I will share with you what I can.
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ReplyDeleteHang in there, Amy. One day it will ease. I felt that way when I was at a writing residency once--it was AWFUL. Know that even in misery you are building a narrative in your head, and you are getting STRONGER! :)
ReplyDeleteMy other post was melodramatic--- Every mother goes through a time when it is difficult to be exactly what you want to be for your children. Forgive yourself. The best lesson I have learned from my children is unconditional love...completely being loved regardless of how I feel about myself. And therefore learning to accept myself, in whatever sadness or happiness I find myself in. Oh, god this sounds a little self righteous, but it is true, and it is so difficult. I say keep writing, find your voice in that dark place, it might help you find your way out... And also, you are such a beautiful kind, soft mother. You are special to me. Maggie is lucky, as is Jon. Let them take care of you for awhile..
ReplyDeleteHey Amy, you don't always have to be strong and put out a brave and happy front. Like what Mandy said, let Jon and little Maggie take care of you for once. My grandma passed away and I found myself not remembering and only remembering very little of her. I want to be at her funeral like all the grandkids are. But I am here. So last night, Michael was very sweet, he came home early and took care of Sterling while I thought about what my grandma taught me.
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